Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

You Might Also Like


[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury


I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.


adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane


Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.


To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…


Have to go out in public and wear pants..

Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.


My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.


[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers