I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..
McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.