@LeviKabwato

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

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@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@MrsTomServo

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

@robots_feel

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@JennyBe03109525

Have to go out in public and wear pants..

Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.

@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@TheDreamGhoul

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers