[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
Have to go out in public and wear pants..
Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.
My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers