Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
oh u like geography? name every lake
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I love you…
…r dog.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
BETRAYAL
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?