launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?