Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
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[Writing Silence of the Lambs]
Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?
Anyone other than Jim?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA
*catches bus to get home