@StoneAgeRadio13

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

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@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

@jimmytorosian

[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?

Anyone?

Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@Book_Krazy

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@_steamy_mac

*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

@QueenofSparta

OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA

*catches bus to get home