Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
This is a sub tweet
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*