Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
How times have changed.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.