Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy