@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

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@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

@TheBoydP

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

@NewDadNotes

God: hey can we talk?

Cat: what’s up?

God: I thought you loved the humans?

Cat: I love them so much!

God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.

Cat: I’m playing hard to get.

God: oh.

Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.

God:

Cat: omg did they say something about me?

@warmyellowlight

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

@mela_shea

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@ChicksRule

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.