Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

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Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room


I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!


First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.


me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?


Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.


I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.


Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.