Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
God: hey can we talk?
Cat: what’s up?
God: I thought you loved the humans?
Cat: I love them so much!
God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.
Cat: I’m playing hard to get.
Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.
Cat: omg did they say something about me?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.