Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: