Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I need better friends
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.