Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*
You Might Also Like
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.