Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
You Might Also Like
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Not my job 😂
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount