Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
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I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
All generalizations are stupid.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
nyc:
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
a badder mouse
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.