@MindyFurano

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

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@RunOldMan

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

@Ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@Browtweaten

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.