7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.