nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.