@ErinChack

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

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@HatfieldAnne

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

@TheFearBoners

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

@BlindChow

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

@Grind_n_Roll

I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.

@cjcapbt

I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

@dumbbeezie

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@PoodleSnarf

NASA: Is that ocean fire out?

Me: Yes I think so

NASA: Any deadly meteors?

Me: Not lately

NASA: Murder hornets?

Me: Never quite happened

NASA: Ahem. *lips on mic* MOON WOBBLE!

@Beatweek

Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.