nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.


Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?


[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend


I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.


I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .


Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you


Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.


NASA: Is that ocean fire out?

Me: Yes I think so

NASA: Any deadly meteors?

Me: Not lately

NASA: Murder hornets?

Me: Never quite happened

NASA: Ahem. *lips on mic* MOON WOBBLE!


Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.


I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.