*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
is this meant to deter me
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I get distracted pretty eas