Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
#growingpains
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.