@Quartzjixler

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

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@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@Rollinintheseat

Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@junejuly12

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@chuuew

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@Parkerlawyer

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

@JediGigi

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.