Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Bed should get ready for ME
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave