The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You Might Also Like
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Warm pools make me nervous.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.