@unmehlievable

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

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@TheHyyyype

[first time robbing bank]

“put all the money in the bag”

[second time robbing bank]

“put all the money in the bag. also this time i have a gun”

@MollyCocktail

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

@TheCatWhisprer

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@jameshamblin

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.