Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.