Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

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My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.


Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and


I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.


It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?


Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.