Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am