@RodLacroix

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

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@FSUSteve

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

@protolalia

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

@cynthiajones11

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.