Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
God has left this place
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke