Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
All excellent questions
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?