Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
yea so i messed up lol
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.