Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The Weeknd is back
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”