@DrakeGatsby

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

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@shariv67

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@Social_Mime

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

@NicCageMatch

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

@joeheenan

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

@chunkypony

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@squirrel74wkgn

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”