Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.