Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.


I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.


My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.



me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly


Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald


You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.


In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.