Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.