Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager