netflix: are you still watching

me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes

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Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.


Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.


Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69


“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants


me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold


Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.


I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round


Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.


Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.