Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
That’s incredible! 👌
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!