@imskytrash

netflix: are you still watching

me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes

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@botsalot

Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.

@peeznuts

Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.

@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

@TheBoydP

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.

@form52

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@karanbirtinna

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.