Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.
netflix: are you still watching
me, on my phone not paying any attention at all: yes
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Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?
-No, go fish.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.