Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
People who are bad at hiding, I see you