Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
The two types of wives
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.