Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.