@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

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@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@dave_cactus

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

@Fatsgordo

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

@AllanForsyth

“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@Jest_Iris

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

@scrappy_momma

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

@Bexyful

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.