Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

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When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.


Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster


My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”


My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little


“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.


Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.


“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.


He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”


Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.