Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman