Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!