Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
FRED: right
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!