Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!