Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Just this preview of the story is enough