Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.