Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
What flavor cupcake are these
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]