When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
God: haha jk it’s just me
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
me: sorry what?
me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?
them: *unintelligible but louder*
me: haha yeah
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault