netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
ouch
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom