Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess