Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.