Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.