netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not


me: this is my worst nightmare

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Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…


I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.


Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.


My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them


That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.


Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!


boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?