netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When you’re Kinky but poor
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.