Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Why soy sad?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.