Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.