Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
A leaf blower, but for people.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.