If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.
Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*
Banker: No sir I need your written signature
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.