@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

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@TheDairylandDon

If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@stevevsninjas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

@WheelTod

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@Carbosly

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*

Banker: No sir I need your written signature

@CrockettForReal

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.