Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name